When you first start dating a guy, it makes sense that he would conceal stuff he's not particularly proud of — his disorderly apartment, his hairy back, his mother's daily phone calls. But by the time you're a serious couple — maybe even living together — you probably assume you know your bedmate's every last habit, flaw, and idiosyncrasy. Don't be so sure.
According to new research published in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy , one in 10 men are harboring a serious sexual secret. "There are two kinds of secrets guys keep," says Les Parrott, author of Crazy Good Sex. "Things they wish their wives or girlfriends would understand but are scared they won't, and things they're just plain trying to get away with."
With that in mind, we polled hundreds of men to learn what they hide at each stage in a relationship and enlisted experts to offer their insights. We discovered there's a decent chance your man is keeping at least one dirty secret. Read on to find out what, if anything, you should do about it.
Also see:
- What your spouse isn't saying
- Rev up your sex life in a week
- 10 signs she's not satisfied
- Who handles breakups better?
When You're Dating...
What he's hiding: The number of women he's had sex with
Some men exaggerate to sound more sexually experienced; others lowball so you don't dismiss them as players. "Men know that if they confess to a large number of partners, it sends the message that they're unlikely to commit to one. That is, to you," says David Buss, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and author of The Evolution of Desire.
What you should do
Take him at his word, but protect yourself. Be vigilant about using a condom every time you have sex — at least until you've both been tested for STDs and you feel secure that you're in a committed relationship. If you do somehow discover that he's deceived you about his sexual history, get it out in the open, but give him a chance to explain. "He could have fibbed out of embarrassment, insecurity, or sincere interest in you," says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.
Funny thing about secrets — everyone has one. Here's what to do when he drops the bomb.
What he's hiding: He looks at porn — maybe a lot
According to a study at Brigham Young University, 87 percent of men have looked at some form of porn in the past year, and one in five help themselves to X-rated fare daily. Men like to look at naked chicks — no surprise there — but what is shocking is how quickly they can become dependent on those erotic images. A powerful pleasure cocktail of endorphins and epinephrine (hormones responsible for arousal and alertness) are released while a man watches porn, Parrott says. And that feeling can become addictive.
What you should do
Occasional porn isn't the problem; it only becomes a wrecking ball when it starts to intrude on your sex life together. "The two big questions are 'Is it interfering with your life and relationship?' and 'Is he using it to avoid something?'" says sex therapist Sandor Gardos, Ph.D. If he actively hides his material and makes excuses to avoid having sex, be concerned.
Broach the subject when you're calm and rational. "Angry accusations never go over well," Gardos says. Another tactic: Suggest watching together. "It becomes compulsive when he feels like he has to hide it," he says. So if you're willing to share it with him, you'll take the compulsion out of the equation. Plus, experts say, viewing erotic images together can enhance your sex life.
Discover the differences between what men and women find sexy in this survey.
I feel sorry for you men out there that this is true about, you are supposed to be able to be honest with your partners, none of the things said here applied to me and i am proud of that.
i tell mine everything and am fully honest with her, its brought me nothing but good.
oh and Exhumator. this generalisation that porn is a struggle. is freaking ignorant.
i watch porn. very rarely. its never interfeered with my sex life. and my girlfriend knows and will sit on my lap to watch it, I agree life is not about just doing what feels good. but if you have odd sexual wants. you should be able to explore them with your partner, you should be able to do anything she wants. and she the same for you.
if YOU Go to porn too much, its because you need something and are not getting it with your girl, maybe you should TALK to her. communication is key to any relationship. and if you're planning to have a partner for life.. honesty is always best.
but you should not be running to porn to satisfy you. this is plain wrong..
i would not call a guy who was addicted to porn "old fashioned" lol. but that statement made me laugh, and makes me wonder where the world is going ;]
I found some of the information in this article reliable, but for the most part it does what it is intended to do, which is to create or socialize certain thought patters and perceptions into the psyche of the general public. Now, these people may be all very well educated, but anyone who has taken a low level stats course can tell you that things like populace, standard deviation, and mean, are the only way to know for certain if the stats are any good. I mean if they got these stats from people who had been in prison for rape, or on college campuses, or down at your local pub, you could probably see a huge variation of responses, which is only natural for any study, but is the reason for misconceptions at large. KEY WORDS HERE: STATS LIE! Of course, it appears that many in the media are slow to provide these simple, but very important aspects to how any polling is being done, because to the untrained eye they look like lines on a graph that make no sense for why they are there to begin with. Anyhow, the point is that just as I said: this article is not only intented for the purpose of "stating facts" as these people would like you to believe, but it is also to socialize you. So I suggest you take it with a grain of salt!
Sincerely,
Blair
I don't see why they think they're going to be raped by homosexuals, but if that many men have **** fantasies about bedding with another man, then I'll just have myself the best laugh I've had in a while. No wonder they chase each other around locker rooms with nothing but a towel in their hands.
But seriously... trust and honesty are two of the main things people look for in a relationship... so why would a woman spend their time worrying about stuff like this? Not only is it an extra burden on their mind, but I think the concept of a man changing isn't a realistic goal for them. Dogs can learn new tricks, but they'll always be able to remember and do their first-ever trick, even if you never see him do it.