Top seven hot-button issues that could threaten your relationship.
Serious hot button issues, like sex, religion and money can make or break us. “People do not consider consciously what the deal breakers might be, especially in the falling in love stage. But we can overcome them through dialogue,” says Imago expert and relationship therapist Nancy Ross. Keep these common deal breakers in mind to secure your relationship beyond the honeymoon stage:
1. Money
What happens when a tightwad falls in love with a spendthrift? Or your partner wants a prenuptial contract? Feelings can get hurt when a relationship is honed down to money and the fear of being ripped off. Ross suggests creating a “Relationship vision.” Both parties write a list the things they want out of the relationship and then compare lists. A third list is created that holds all the points you agree on and issues to explore together. “See what you’re working towards first before you start to talk about money,” she says.
2. Kids
You want them and he doesn’t. Or vice versa. If you’re serious about each other, let your partner hear the heartfelt reasons behind your decision. In your reasoning, include the history behind your choice and why it’s so important to you. The stakes are high because children are a lifetime commitment and you’ll have to agree on how to raise them. Add a woman’s biological clock to the equation and you’ve got a top deal breaker.
3. Sex
How often, how creative and with how many people? Sex is obviously a tricky issue. Couples have a lot to sort out in this department and it’s important to be sensitive to one another. When you’re talking to your partner about sex, try to make “I” statements and “feeling” statements,” suggests Ross. Think of any discussions about sex as “information finding” rather than decision making.
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4. Religion
You are in deal breaker territory when one person feels like their partner’s beliefs always take priority, says Ross. Talk about your expectations and avoid going into a relationship with assumptions. For example, if you’ve always intended for your kids to go to Catholic school, say so and get your partner’s input. It’s crucial to discuss these differences the minute you recognize them.
5. Culture
When opposites attract so do different belief systems, values and attitudes. “A couple with culture differences simply needs to learn to understand each other’s culture in a deep and intimate way -first through dialogue,” says Ross. Show interest in one another's rituals and family traditions while being open to compromise. “When you set yourself up to be right and have the only idea that works, you’re setting yourself up for a fight,” she says.
6. Household
Want to avoid nasty surprises before moving in with someone? Create a relationship vision (see 1.) “The best of all worlds is to go into a live-in situation with some things clearly talked about. I think what most people do is tumble into it,” warns Ross. Important points to discuss: Who will do the chores? Cook dinner? Will you split the rent? It’s important to draw boundaries before moving in so you don’t become emotionally distressed after it’s too late. Ross says, “The way to find balance is to be clear about your differences. If you understand your partner, you’ll be less inclined to walk away.”
7. Toxic friends
Our friends say a lot about who we are. At any stage in a relationship, pay attention to how they come into the picture. If you’re not too thrilled with the company your guy keeps or he regularly ditches you to hang with the boys, it may be time to confront him. Ross suggests weighing the pros and cons: “What we need to do in a relationship is walk the fine line of what is good for me and what is good for us. A lot depends on the investment we have in the relationship.”
