The men you should never marry
If he has no friends, or if you can't see in him the qualities you want in your children, run
If love is blind, "marriage is like a trip to the optometrist's office," warns an 81-year-old priest from New Jersey in a new book for women designed to help them evaluate whether the man they're dating is marriage material. Up front, Father Pat Connor addresses those who might question his authority to speak on the topic. "You might be thinking, 'He's a priest. He's never been married,' and in that you would be correct." But, he goes on, "for over 50 years I have had the privilege of speaking with young women on the subject of whom not to marry. These women have opened their hearts and minds while bringing me their questions." Questions such as: "Is money really important in a marriage?" "Yes. Yes. Yes, to that one," he writes in Whom Not to Marry: Time-Tested Advice From a Higher Authority.
Remember, he writes, "You can be deeply in love with someone to whom you cannot be successfully married." If you're thinking love conquers all, "it doesn't," he writes. Top on his list is, "Never marry a man who cannot hold down a job." Then there's "never marry a man who has no friends."
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When a portion of Father Pat's list appeared in the New York Times, a twice-married and divorced woman sent him her own version: "Never marry a man who is more affectionate in public than in private. Never marry a man who notices all of your faults but never any of his own. Never marry a man whose first wife had to sue for child support. Never marry a man whom your children don't like."
Father Pat advises women to take a year between the decision to marry and the wedding. "Use the engagement as a time to ask questions," such as, "What would I be glad to know about him that's impossible to know in the first few months of dating?"
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He writes about one woman whose fiancé loved to shop for expensive clothes. "Then he wants to go to pricey restaurants to show them off," she told Father Pat. "I prefer eating at home and wearing my comfortable clothes. How can I change him to like the simpler life?" "Change him? Forget it! He's a bad risk for marriage. I'm afraid it's just that simple," Father Pat told her.
One of his must-haves is physical attraction. "There used to be, in one of the formulas used at weddings, a wonderful sentence that was said by each spouse in turn: 'With my body, I thee worship.' If you feel no physical attraction to him, don't marry him!"
He urges women to ask: "Has your love grown since you became serious about one another?" "Do you see in this person the qualities you want in your children?" "Do you love each other with equal intensity and are you sure your love is not one-sided?"
Beware of the "Green-Eyed Monsters." "Envy and jealousy are as complex as they are puzzling, and they're both destructive." He tells of a young woman who loved to dance but complained, "my boyfriend always declines my offers to dance with me. When I'm dancing with other boys, I can feel him staring at us. How can I help him to like dancing and to stop staring?"
"You'll probably never get your boyfriend to like dancing," Father Pat told her, "and the staring only means that jealousy is in play here. Have a chat with him about that unlovely quality. If he persists in his jealous-laden behaviour, drop him!"
If your boyfriend has cold feet, "Never put yourself in the position of trying to persuade him to marry you. No good can come of that," he writes. "It's important to pay attention to those actions that convey a lack of commitment on his part."
Adhering to dating rules is another mistake, he says. "I'm uncomfortable with this rules approach to dating-rules that take into account anything from who calls whom and when, who pays for dinner, and how many dates to have before either becoming intimate or moving on. Rules can quickly morph into ultimatums, and that's no good for anybody."
Also, think twice about the "fun or quirky proposals," like eloping to Vegas "on a whim." Father Pat urges women to "think about it. The decision to get married will affect your entire life. Do you really want to enter into something so casually?"
One couple's modest engagement rings made him happy. The groom said, "We bought these rings, one for $15, one for $20." The couple hoped to upgrade later on. Father Pat told them, "I hope you forget in future getting more expensive rings. Put the money toward your children's college funds!"
1) The author of the book has spent a life-time as a marriage counselor, his advise is valid, but feel free to ignore it and don't buy the book. You are clearly not interested in commenting or debating the book on its merits if all you can do is bitch and complain.
2) Women buy books like this, not men, that is why he chose to direct it toward this particular audience. If you want to see a book that is about what type of women men should not marry, look for one... or, this is just a thought, write it yourself. Don't whine.
3) Is it too much to ask for the return of coherent grammar and spelling? Anyone incapable of employing the fundamental principles of middle school English grammar instantly renders their argument valueless. Everyone skips right over these juvenile scribblings to read opinions by someone who has mastered basic literacy skills.
yo. who does this father guy think he is?! he's just a lonely old man who can't find love himself so instead he talks **** about it like he has superior knowledge on the subject.
and dancer girl? well no duh you're boyfriend stares at you and your dance partner with jealousy. I'm in love and you wouldn't catch me dead holding hands with another girl unless my princess's life depended on it.
If i was your boyfriend, I woulda decked the guy from the get-go. What right does he have to dance with you? and what kind of girlfriend are you if you're out dancing with other guys?! so your boyfriend doesn't like to dance...what guy does???
find something else to do with him. go see a movie or find yourselves a room. whatever u want, just don't whine about your boyfriend being jealous when you ditch him to dance with other guys...bitch.
and as for not being able to change guys? that's bull.
I was a paper-chasing gangster running a counterfeit/fraud scam and now I go to church every sunday.
Everyday I would come home with a new stack of cash and it killed my girlfriend. She would cry and beg me to stop and find other ways to make money. She communicated her concerns and as soon as I saw how much it hurt her and realized that she really didn't care if I was gonna be picking her up in a Benz or a Honda, I quit.
I love my girlfriend and would never purposely do anything to harm her. She changed me from a gangster who never gave a **** about anything to a big sensitive lug who writes poetry. I'm living proof.
This Father Fat character has no idea what he's talking about. He's stereotyping like all guys are evil, heartless people who don't care about our ladies.
What right does he have to tell you what love is and isn't? He has NO CLUE whatsoever.
Love is stronger than anything. If you love someone, don't let anything get in your way. If you care half as strongly about your partner as I do mine, you could not care LESS about what anyone has to say about him or her, let alone this moronic d ouche bag.
With the whole jealousy thing. I think sometimes there is a fine line depending on the circumstance. I enjoy dancing but not as much as my girlfriend. We dance together sometimes and she dances with other guys too (but mostly with her girlfriends haha). There is a point however when a guy might cross the line and start "feeling" her and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I mean, this is the girl I love and care about! I'm not staring her down ever second of the night, i have my buddies and other friends to keep me partially occupied.
I personally think under some circumstances it is OK to be jealous. I mean, everyone gets jealous here and there, right? If it is a huge part of the relationship then I 100% agree with the Priest, else if is not (hahaha program lingo), I don't think ending a relationship over it is such a great idea.
This is also something that this article doesn't touch up on. what about self employed people. I am a free lance programmer, does that mean i cannot hold down a job, or maybe he means, guys that do not work period, or go from job to job yearly.
FTR: I'm 24 years old.
and when they say not suitable for marriage...that means all you badass men out there who think your better than everyone else...it also includes all those men that get girls pregant then ditch...RUN LADIES
Lee0304 I agree that there are both men and women that are not "marriage material", in fact the good majority of people fall into that category today. When you get married you have to be prepared to compromise, to give and take, to grow up with your partner. In today's world too many people are selfish and are not willing to make the sacrifices that it takes to keep a marriage alive. Don't get me wrong there are great things about being married, especially if you commit yourself to the other person for life, in fact you can have the best times of your life if you have a partner. Issue is that we live in a throw away society, we throw out what we assume to be broken without even trying to find out what is wrong with it. Usually the reason we throw things out so easily is because we have been taught that it is easier to throw it out than to try to fix it. Constantly working on a marriage will mean that you can be happy beyond belief. Hey I am only human I have had moments where I have wanted to run (because it would be easy), but my parents taught me some old school values which I am soooooooooooo thankful for. What did they teach me? Finish what you started, live life to the fullest and "do unto others as you would have them do to you". I think the priest was trying to give some good advice that has fallen on deaf ears.
I agree the partner selection advice should be for both sides, not just what women should look for in a man but what men should look for in a woman. It takes two to tango. I believe in four basics for a successful relationship: 1) honesty 2) fidelity 3) commitment 4) security
All the other little annoying habits each person might have are not important. If they seem intolerable to you, then you're with the wrong person. Everybody has quirks. That's life. This also assumes that each person is trying to do the right thing, making their partner's life more enjoyable, and behaving like mature and intelligent individuals. There is no room in marriage for drama or juvenile behaviours, or selfishness or jealousy. If you're still struggling with these things, don't marry yet. Take a course, see a counsellor or just grow up!
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