Over a glass of sauvignon blanc in my Shanghai loft, Christine struggled to find the right words in her faltering English. She pulled out her pocket translator and showed me a phrase on the screen: matron of honor. I hesitated.
"Please?" she said.
"Of course!" I hoped my response didn't sound too forced. I hadn't included Christine in my own upcoming wedding, but I was more concerned with the fact that I'd never tried to talk her out of her engagement in the first place. I had just agreed to be the maid of honor for a mail-order bride.
When I arrived in China for work a year before, with my fiancé, Gregg, in tow, I'd heard about some peculiar local courtship rituals: parents gathering in parks with their children's résumés to orchestrate matches, high-maintenance Shanghainese women openly seeking wealthy foreign men and the designer bags they could provide.
Christine seemed to be none of these — we met while waiting in line to buy tickets for an Olympic soccer game. She had the fresh, creaseless skin of a schoolgirl, a diamond solitaire resting on her collarbone. She'd worked as a model in her 20s, and, now 31, she was a secretary at an export business. We decided to be language study partners, and exchanged numbers.
Over the next several months we grew close. She took me to markets on Shanghai's outskirts and introduced me to duck's blood soup, laughing as she watched me choke down the gelatinous chunks. After I'd mentioned my search for a wedding gown, she surprised me with a figure-hugging, traditional Chinese dress. It would bring me luck on my wedding day, she explained.
We often studied together at one of our homes. She lived in a colorless neighborhood in the south of Shanghai, sharing a cramped three-room apartment with a roommate. One day, when the vocabulary word "to envy," came up in my Chinese book, she repeated it: "I envy you."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because you marry."
Several months later, after quitting her job and disappearing for a while, Christine reached out. "I have boyfriend," she said. "We will marry." She explained that she'd been to Hong Kong to meet a Chinese-Canadian divorcé in his mid-40s whom she'd flirted with on an Internet dating site.
They stayed in a five-star hotel, ate at pricey dim sum halls, and expanded her wardrobe — all on his credit card. She had agreed to marry him, and he had promised her a car and a $3000 wedding dress — unthinkable for most brides in Shanghai, where the average monthly income is $300. At his request, she would enroll in cooking and English classes full-time until the wedding.
As I pressed her for more details, the website where they'd "met" began to sound more Buy-a-Bride than Match. It was for people "ready to marry immediately," Christine admitted, and Chinese men weren't welcome — only foreign passport holders. I got online and learned more than I wanted to know: The men were required to have a considerable income; the women were told to post pictures in which they appeared "attractive and happy." (Christine showed me professional photos of herself smiling in black lingerie, her hair falling seductively over one eye.) Testimonials celebrated Asian brides as "petite, soft, and gentle," and one guy added, "They don't bust your chops when you are home a little late or forget an anniversary."
Seeing it written so plainly hit a nerve. Was that all marriage was to her, a business arrangement? In my mind, Western men who bought foreign wives were insecure losers at best, creeps with fetishes at worst. Christine deserved more.
During the four years Gregg and I had dated before he proposed, we'd supported each other through the stress of new jobs, at family funerals, in the close quarters of our car on cross-country road trips. I wanted to share her excitement, but the wedding felt as phony as the Prada bags being hustled on the streets of Shanghai.
In the weeks before both of our weddings, the perils of such a blatant arrangement surfaced. While I planned my centerpieces and bridesmaid favors, Christine's fiancé reminded her in daily phone calls not to gain weight before the big day.
She was looking for him to hold up his end of the bargain, too, informing him that she preferred Louis Vuitton to Coach — a request he hesitated to fulfill, as his design firm was suffering in the gloomy economy.
But then, haven't plenty of American women made secret compromises that were no less crass at their core? And isn't every marriage a gamble? The more I talked to Christine, the more I realized that I needed to back slowly away from my Western mind-set and see her situation for what it was: She was a Chinese woman with little education and few options — her career wasn't stable in a city where ads for secretaries often include the footnote, "Women over 30 need not apply" — who wanted security, a family, and a comfortable life.
And as she talked about her impending marriage, it became clear that she wasn't naive about the challenges. But instead of waiting around to accept her fate, she had taken it into her own hands. Maybe there was something powerful, even brave, about that.
After agreeing to be her matron of honor that night, I typed risk into her pocket translator and pushed it across the table. She smiled. Christine knew she was taking a risk, but it was worth it to her for the chance at a better life and, just maybe, love.
blainek -
First off all i'm glad losers like you are off the market. You sound insecure and shallow and cluster all canadian woman as if we're the same. You might as well do the same with women world wide. Are you saying that women who actively seek wealth are better then these immature women you speak off? I suppose for someone who's probably unattractive and has no appealing personality its normal to have such a shallow view of women who obviously believe that they can do better. No wonder Lesbianism is at an all time high. Id rather live with a woman then a man like you. BTW im happily married to a fantastic man... that didn't need to pay for his wife.
Blainek-that was superbly well written. Some feminazi's will read that and brush it off as nothing more than the ramblings of an embittered single man (like myself hehe) but I think there is definitely a lot of truth to what you say. My friend and I who are both approaching our 30's are well educated, very decent guys, and we are both thinking of ordering mail order brides from the Russian catalogue. We are thinking about marriage/commitment whereas many females are thinking about how much money/status they can get out of a guy. The pendulum has just swung to far in our society in the direction of the female making it nearly impossible to find love and happiness. I would'nt say all women should be included in your description, just the majority! Alas it's not their fault, they just grew up in a society that fed them a bunch of crap all their life and for whatever reason they failed collectively to really examine it and see through the lies.
Well. To try to silence a man who is speaking honestly is to decide that only YOUR opinion counts.
I see women who are here in Canada, having children with men who are old enough to be their father. They are now married to Canadian men, after months or years of working as chambermaids or cleaners (on work visas here in Canada). These women are not in it for love and romance a la Canadian bridal magazines. They are pragmatic. The men are not all hopeless boobs who are mean, and stingy. I think it is a match. These marriages are between the two people who are in them. Not me or you or that crazy man with all the oppinions. So long as the woman is getting what she needs, and the man is also getting what he needs, what do we care? We arent mad that we dont have the money. We arent mad that she didnt wait for true love to find her in Chinese squallor. We are just mad using our own values, and not hers. Well- lets see it from her point of view. Then let her decide.
Well i can tell you one thing about the Chinese woman they sure aim to please their man I do give them that, Maybe almost to much, I meet a woman who married guy from here, Ill tell you she sure respected her man, Almost to much, But its a difrent world when the ladys come from china, I thought of one my self at one time but theirs alot of culture diffrence my freinds wife told me,
Thanks Rob
Good luck to you guys
I am interested in everyone's opinions of this man Blainek, I personally did not read his account but have obtained the jist of it. I say go ahead, order a bride. It all depends on circumstances, possibly this is the best choice for him. However, might I add that meeting people online through dating sites should be the first attempt. Some people do not have the time for romance, or to fret with demanding women. I believe that one should find love by meeting and getting to know people in person. By joining clubs, having common friends, meeting at public functions, or the over romanticized walking your dog in the park. Mostly though he is not anyone's problem
I want to inform all that I am 18 before I continue. Stereotype if you please, however you probably thought you were pretty smart at this age. Furthermore, I have had 4 foreign nannies during my childhood. Two of my nannies purpose was to come to Canada and find a husband. One was from the Philippians and the other Chez. You might believe that these men are losers, but these women come from lives that the women who have replied to this story have never experienced. You women do not comprehend their need for a husband, how important it is in their culture. The two of my nannies that I am talking about were highly uneducated, stupid in fact. Moreover, they were horrible women, desperate yes, but absolute monsters. I despised them and I feel sorry for the fool of a man to take them. You should stop focusing on only the men, but the women.
I want to mention that my other two nannies were very educated, and even though they were educated they came to Canada for the same purpose. It did not take them very long to realize that they could marry for love only. They are beautiful women, and a few years ago I went to my favourite nannies wedding, she looked lovely and she did find love. However, this was in Canada, back in their home countries these views were not the same. They would have eagerly married a well off foreign man.
These men, however, have to deal with the opinions that have been expressed in all of these replies. You're all going off about being a Feminista or as Jaxxarewe put (she is disgusted with your gender). Please refrain from feminist comments. If anyone is aware of feminism right now the number one priority is removing urinals from male bathrooms (very productive work in aiding women's rights). Also that even when a woman consents to sex she is always being raped and that women can only be asexual or lesbian (also very productive, proud of you ****). Stop complaining, please, no one here has made women look any better. I am asking all women to pause and consider the circumstances before writing.
Truthfully, is Blainek really an important person. Don't waste you're energy, he is just one man out of many.